Tiger turns to Seinfeld for press conference material

Who is this Tiger Woods guy everyone is talking about and what did he
do? Kidding of course, but not quite sure what all the fuss is about.
If you just came out of a coma and were one of the three people in the
world that didn’t catch Tiger Woods’ press conference earlier today,
let me help you out with a quick recap. To get the gist of the
13-minute conference in which Tiger read a prepared statement, I would
ask you to recall a couple classic Seinfeld episodes to help summarize.
1. Remember the one where Elaine comes clean about her sexual
experiences with Jerry and identifies the breathing, the panting, the
moaning, the screaming as being “fake, fake, fake fake.” Tiger’s
statement was much the same except in his case, it was his words and
not his past actions that were counterfeit. C’mon, the guy looked like
he was crying prior to coming out to start the speech. Tiger is that an freshly cut onion in your pocket or are you just happy to be out on leave from rehab?

2. Another classic episode that came to mind as I watched the Tiger
saga play out online was the one where Jerry is accused by his police
officer girl friend of watching Melrose Place. Because he’s
embarrassed to admit he watches the show, he denies having ever seen it
but she insists he has and demands he take a polygraph test to settle
the debate. Worried that the test will reveal he’s not telling the
truth, Jerry seeks advice from notorious liar George prior to taking
the test and Costanza offers him one piece of advice to “beat the
poly.” “Jerry, remember it’s not a lie if you believe it.” Now that
Costanza is no longer working with the Yankees, it appears as if he’s
latched on with Team Tiger as Woods’ official spin doctor because Tiger
seems to have convinced himself that the BS he was uttering was actually true.

While I’m sure Tiger is sorry he had to stand in front of the three dozen hand-picked media members at the press conference and admit he’s been fooling us for years, my guess is if he never got caught he’d be making plans to attend the closest strip club and “working on his game” after finishing dinner tonight.

As he said in his statement, “I felt I was entitled and that the rules of everyone else didn’t apply to me.” The fact is they don’t. When you’re the most popular athlete in the world and your wallet is fatter than Hugo on Lost, you do what you want, when you want and in Tiger’s case, who you want. Like a Chris Rock joke a stated several years ago: “men are only as faithful as their options.” Couldn’t be more accurate. It’s easy for a overweight, middle-aged husband to remain faithful while swilling beer and  pounding corn nuts on the couch watching NASCAR. But ply that same guy off the coach and pay some exotic dancers to fain interest in him at a strip club after a couple too many shots of Grey Goose and he’ll have a hard time keeping his putter in the bag as well. It’s all about a man’s options. The more you have the more temptation you have. The more temptation a man has the more chances he has to be unfaithful and Tiger’s options were likely only exceeded by the number of Bejamins in his bank account. Ask Arnie, it’s tough to be the King.

All the rehab in the world won’t take away the countless options Tiger has and will continue to have for the next 25 years. But the only cure for a dog like Tiger will be taking himself out of the places those options present themselves and rehab doesn’t last forever.

I’m sure Twitter had one of its busiest days ever before, during and after Tiger’s press conference. Opinions are widely varied, some on the money, some way off and some funny as hell. Here’s a small sample of some the best posts.

He’s on a roll! RT @EricStangel: The ratings are in: Tiger’s was the highest rated fake apology in TV history, surpassing Bill Clinton’s

How dare Tiger upstage the NFL scouting combine, which is less than a week away.


Elin to Tiger: “You’d better say I never hit you with a golf club, or I’ll hit you with a golf club again.”

The “expert” consensus is that #TigerWoods did a great job w/ his statement. But most r simply saying “just come play golf”

@ProFootballTalk: At some point, Tiger drifted from “buddhism” to “booty-ism.” (I couldn’t resist.)

Dear Tiger, You don’t owe America a apology for your personal life

I watched the Tiger Woods statement in HD. It felt like he was pretending to apologize to me!!

From the files of
being totally blonde–I set my dvr to tape espn at 11 for Tiger talk.
Too bad I live in the central time zone. Doh!


Awesome speech Tiger,
why is the lady VERONICA on Good Day LA crying, y’all fling is over
damit!! 3 years was it now let it go WTF!

EricStangel: Tiger Woods apology- Even Rafael Palmeiro is saying his sincerity felt forced…


Buddhism to Tiger: “Keep me out of this.”

Notably absent from #TigerWoods attire… his wedding ring ! #justsayin


“And now … I’m going to leave you … and disappear for a few more weeks … with my new best friends … C3PO and R2D2.”


Sports: Tiger Woods Announces Return To Sex http://onion.com/cv3tEk

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